Song Of The Week: Part Of Me by Katy Perry

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Welcome to a brand new week, and a brand new Song Of The Week: Part of Me by Katy Perry

This week just gone has been a strange one for me – lots happening, lots going on, big changes and a lot of small changes too, which have added up to some serious soul searching.

I feel like I have been wandering around in a fog for the last few months. In fact, the last year has been harder than I realised. I feel a little like I’ve lurched from one disaster to the next and managed to just about avoid falling over the rail each time. This process has left me feeling exhausted.

Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
 You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me 

Not just physically exhausted, but mentally. Wrung out. Chewed up. I had lost a lot of my will power, a lot of my va-va-voom, my drive and consistency and for the last month in particular, I feel like I’ve been floundering. Looking back to twelve months ago, it’s hard to see where any progress has been made. My head has felt full of white noise and cotton wool, and all the things I was so set on last year, like smartening up my dress sense, keeping my manicure up to date, my academic reading, my writing and publication efforts and my ability to engage in new things and enjoy new things have largely falling into ditches along the way.

I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
You ripped me off, your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep, you let me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

I have invested a lot of effort into my career, and while the last two steps forward have been steps up, I have still been left drained by the process. Now though, I feel like I’m taking a step in the right direction. I very much enjoyed my induction with my new employer and enjoyed seeing the plan for the team’s development set out – I have had these wishes and plans in my own head for upwards of two years, and it was good to find a professional organisation who actually agree with my own thoughts and plans.

It’s amazing how feeling isolated in your beliefs can make you feel so tired and then, out of the blue, finding a whole company – one of the most successful in their business sector, who agree with me, it was the absolute tonic. The best kind.

It cleared a massive amount of crap from my head and by the time I got home, I was feeling vastly better. Celebrating my birthday in good company with dear friends and my lovely husband, having had the time to put myself in order (bath, manicure, ironed clothes, nice makeup), was a beautiful reminder of all that is good in my life, and in me, in general.

Sat with my husband last night, I asked if he was in the mood to watch something (a movie, few eps from a TV show, whatever) and after a few moments we realised that we were both ready for something new. Something that would make us think, that would wake up our brains and engage us. For the last few weeks, all we’ve done of an evening is watch Castle. Which is great – funny, engaging, with cute characters, and nice geeky references. But also formulaic, and comforting, and after a while a little predictable and disengaging. Last night, for the first time in a while, I was ready to think. And that’s a nice feeling to come back to after lazing around in the fog.

I feel like I am taking account of all the different parts of me. And I am delighted to find that they are there, having just been asleep, and they are all ready to wake up.

This week’s song of the week captures some of the energy behind this feeling. It was my Song Of The Year a few years ago, at the end of 2012, and where I am right now is an echo of that sensation. The last month has been difficult and extremely stressful, but I have gotten through it, and this has made me feel a lot stronger.

Now look at me I’m sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won’t ever put me out again
I’m glowin’, oh, whoa

I’m not out of the woods yet, but I can see the tree line for the first time in ages and I actually care enough to look at the details of the map now.

This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and your stones,
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me

 

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